Would you read this part of my book, please, and tell me if you like it, hate it, or if you would read on?

Question

Would you read this part of my book, please, and tell me if you like it, hate it, or if you would read on?
This is just the first draft.

Answer

It definitely catches me. A few things you might consider changing though the first sentence is a little convoluted. How about going with something like, quotMy heart is beating loudly in my earsquot. And it needs a bit of editing here quotMy eyes dart to Alec, WHOSE body LIES limp on the concrete roofquot, and maybe change the sentence after that to the more polished, quotI dont know if hes dead, or just unconscious, but I suspect the worst.quot For the sentence after that, I think quotMy eyes are DRAWN behind mequot, instead of WANDER DOWN. quotWander downquot sounds very casual, as if she has all the time in the world to look at the scenery, while quotdrawnquot sounds more like a compulsion, something she cant help but do. The tense in the sentence after that is wrong it should be quotoblivious to what IS going on above their headsquot. Another thing, is the antagonists name Gage or Gale? Because you switch them midway. And quotfollowersquot should be followers couldnt make it clear what I was referring to with the extra quotations, so I used dashes. One last thing, and its just a suggestion perhaps instead of quotfor I have cast it myselfquot casted isnt a word, the past tense of cast is also cast, just by the way, you could say quothaving cast it myself a number of timesquot. I think that flows better. And one last, LAST thing, in my opinion, you should use something different that Rosalie for your characters name, even if its just Rose due to a certain books popularity, I dont think your character will be taken as seriously as she would otherwise be.brSorry if I seem overly critical. You actually do have a good beginning here, and Id like to read more when you come up with it.