Would You Read My Story?

Question

Would You Read My Story?
This is the first chapter.

Answer

Sometimes single words can mean everything. Did you know Hemingway once threatened to throw his editor out of a window of a NYC skyscraper over a single word?brbrI read this and every now and then a single word knocks me for a loop. The first one ... I examined my hand with the unscrupulous eye of a nervous monster. Define quotunscrupulousquot for me in this sentence. I dont see anything in my thesaurus that makes that sentence work. brbrquotThe full moon inspires terror in mequot... here I think you are one word short. For a lycan, by the time the moon is full, they have already transformed. They are out of control. There is no terror in the full moon for them. There is only lust for blood. However IF you said quotthe THOUGHT of the full moon inspires terror in mequot, then Id buy it. brbrThere are many little places like that. And what it adds up to is really bordering on being a little heavy on the purple prose. brbrMy question is this ... what kind of a person is this in human form? Are they the kind of person who would say quotI spilled onto the forest floorquot? Or are they the kind of person who would say quotI fell down in the woodsquot? BIG difference in the characterization. brbrRemember that in first person narration, you are using words as a part of your characterization. Right now, I dont know what kind of a person this is but they talk rather flowery. Is is a contemporary person? Male or female? brbrWould they say quotI feasted on the sight of it allthe azure framed by treetops, with a shy sun peeking through the gaps in the trees.quot?? Or something simpler?brbrYou have to go one way or the other. And it all depends on your characterization. This characters voice has to reflect who they are. Right now, from what I see, I would guess someone in the th century perhaps England older person. I cant picture a young person speaking like that. But I am not so sure that is who this person is. If this is your first chapter, the characters words have to TELL me that. They are all you have. See??brbrI think you need to do more work on the character study. I can see you like flowing, purple prose, and in its place, it can work. But for the right character. brbrAlso, I think you need more of a transition in the beginning. You begin by describing this person turning human again. Then you go into a description where they say quotI will never be able to describe itquot But you DO describe it. Then it seems we are back to this person unconscious on the ground in the woods with the body of his or her sister beside them. The transitions arent strong if you are going to tuck that section in the middle about how it feels to be a lycan. Perhaps you want to reverse it. Begin with The full moon ... give the description kind of like a mini prologue and go from there then you can hook the entire changing process together. Try it that way and see if it works. But if you intend to frame the chapter with that description in the middle, your transitions need to be stronger. PaxC